The Internets

Cya.

If you meant to press 2, press 1.

This seems about right.

I don’t know how to make it any clearer.

This isn’t me, but it’s exactly the kind of conversation I have with these type of people. His only mistake was not escalting up to the guy in charge right away. The best tip for dealing with “customer service” people is this: always escalate — the guy who first answers the phone knows nothing. (Except how to answer a phone.)

Some guy trying to cancel his AOL account:

It’s audio only, but there is a video of a blimp in case you need something to hold your attention.

Installing Office is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15

I was recently installing MS Office 2008 (for Mac) on a brand new hard drive. 90% of the time, installing software is simple: drag the app to the Applications folder and you are done. 8% of the time, it’s slightly more complicated: run the installer, agree to the terms, click continue and you are done. The other 2% of the time is Adobe installers and Microsoft installers.

Adobe installers have been covered other places, so I won’t repeat all that here.

Microsoft actually uses the native Mac OS X installer, but still manages to make it extremely over-complicated. I’ll go over the install step by step…

Double-click the installer. This is what I see:

Nothing strange there. Click Continue.

I’m not really sure what this means, but I’ll click Continue.

License Agreement. Standard stuff. It’s worth noting the strange line breaks around “updates, supplements, Internet-based services, and support services”. Continue.

Yes, I really really agree. Agree. Move on.

Quit everything. I guess that makes sense. Continue Installation.

Product key. Got it. Don’t know why it needs to be displayed in the installer, since it clearly says that it’s also in the About menu of each app and when you call MS for help, they’ll tell you to go to the About menu. Whatever. Continue.

A breakdown of what can be installed. Nothing really strange here except that if you add the size of each component, it totals 585mb. However, the installer claims that the total size of Office is 927mb. Remind me again why I don’t really trust MS software? Click Install.

Alright…installer progress bar. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for! The heavens open and the angels sing! Glory to all!

Remove Office? What now? I just installed Office. Oh, it is telling me that it will find older versions (including the demo, which apparently causes “problems”) and remove them. I would think that it could check on its own and then warn me if there is going to be a problem. I won’t have any previous versions because this is a brand new hard drive. Continue.

It’s done searching for other versions of Office. Good to know. Continue.

“No version of Office were found on this computer.” I assume it means that no previous versions of Office were found, since it just finished installing Office 2008. This is not a shocking revelation because, as you may remember, this is a brand new hard drive. Continue.

Um. Riiiight. Continue.

Ok. Successfully installed! The only step left is to…”run the Setup Assistant to complete the process”? What the fuck? Close.

The installer quits and the MS Updater launches. In a confidence-inspiring manner, the first thing it shows me is this:

Yikes. If it’s any consolation, I don’t understand the event sysodisA message either. Ok. (I don’t even want to think about clicking Edit.)

And finally:

More progress bars to finish up my Office installation. On the plus side, at least I had my Identity upgraded! And it only took 15 steps. Continue.

Obvious question: why use Office at all when iWork is so much better? One bone-chilling word: Entourage. We use Exchange for email at work and the only Exchange client for Mac is Entourage. If Apple ever gets their act together and offers full Exchange support in iCal, I will dump Office off my machine that very day.

My perfect vacation

Where is your perfect vacation spot? Do you like to relax, stare blankly at the sky, and have absolutely no responsibility? How does a beach in Mexico sound? Maybe you are more of a deck-of-a-cruise-ship kind of person? My perfect vacation is the Fry’s employee training facility, deep below the surface of the Earth. They clearly spend a lot of time doing nothing and filling their heads with empty. Just what the doctor ordered!

So I went to Fry’s today with three goals: 1) pick up a USB gaming headset and 2) pickup the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2 and 3) pay and exit.

Step 1: Gaming headset

I go to the computer area and ask the guy behind the desk “Where are the gaming headsets?” He ignores me for a few moments, then when I ask him again he asks his coworker, who in turn asks his coworker. The last guy was able to point me in the right direction.

When I get to the headset aisle I have to dig through the pile of headsets on the floor next to the shelf to find what I needed. Picture a typical Ross clothing department and you have the right visual.

Step 2: Cymbal expansion pack for Rock Band 2

I go over to the gaming area and find an employee who looks like he works in the gaming area.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• Rock Band 2?
• Yes. The cymbal expansion set.
• You want to buy just the drums?
• No. I already have the drums. I’m looking for the expansion set — there is a set of three cymbals which plug into the drums.
• So you need the game?
• [blank stare]
• Let me ask my supervisor.

So now we are with a supervisor.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• We have Rock Band 2.
• Yes. But I’m looking for the expansion set — a set of cymbals that attaches to the drums.
• Umm…
• It’s not the full game. It’s an accessory to the game.
• We have Rock Band 1. [points to a RB1 box]
• Ok.
• We have Rock Band 2. [points to a RB2 box]
• Yup.
• We have Rock Band 3. [points to a Guitar Hero World Tour box]
• ….Uh-huh. You have Rock Band 3 already?
• Yes. [point to Guitar Hero World Tour box again]
• Can we check on the computer to see if you have the accessory I’m looking for?
• Sure.

She looks it up on the computer and finds nothing. I guess they don’t have it. As a side note: does anybody think it’s at all ironic that Fry’s, an electronics and computer store, uses DOS as their main operating system?

Step 3: Pay and Exit

I hand her the checkout lady my credit card.

• Can I see some ID?
• Sure.

She processes the card, but the debit card thing isn’t working so she tells me she’ll run it as a credit card. Fine. Whatever.

• Can I see some ID?
• It’s the same ID I just showed you. It’s also the same card you just ran.
• I just need to see your ID.

Short term memory fail.

As a rule, I never let them search my bag on the way out, and my trick is to either avoid eye contact or pretend to talk on my cell phone as I pass them.* This time I decided to go the other way and established eye contact early and held it all the way out the door. It was strangely cathartic.

In the end, two out of three goals were accomplished. So I guess I’d call that a successful trip to Fry’s.

* I don’t really have a cell phone, so I talk into my wallet as if it were a cell phone. Seems to do the trick.

What’s that smell?

What’s that smell? Did someone fart? Does it smell like teen spirit? Oh, no…it’s just my power cord on fire. Good times.

The cord for my MacBook Pro is as old as the computer…around two years. Wear and tear decided to take its toll today and melted the connector. I didn’t take a photo (I should have) but here’s the general feeling:

Since my battery only lasts about 10 minutes now, I had no choice but to suck it up, take the power cord down to the Apple store, and buy a new one for $90. Boo.

When I got to the store, the orange shirt attacked me and told me that I’d have to make an appointment at the Genius Bar…probably around a 25 minute wait. I have nothing else to do…I’ll wait.

5 minutes go by and they are ready to help. They really cannot tell time. The guy takes a look at my cord, tells me it’s covered under the extended warranty, gives me a new one, and I walk out of the store without giving them any money.

Win.

A different definition of “less”

I was at the Verizon store over the weekend getting Rachel a new phone. The sales guy was suggesting a change in phone plans:

• Are you also a Verizon customer?
• No.
• Well you could sign up for a family plan with your wife and pay less each month.
• How does that work?
• You get your own phone and phone number and it’s only an additional $10 each month.

I no math whiz, but I’m pretty sure that paying an additional $10 each month is not “less”. But what do I know.

It’s hard for me to even explain the extreme loathing I have for cell phone sales people. They work on commission so they will force more and more minutes and text message plans down your throat. How has the public not revolted over $20/month for unlimited text messages? Email is free. IM is free. How can they possibly believe that there is a monetary value to a text message, which is < 1k of data? Oh yeah, because people keep paying for it...that's why.

Really the only thing I want to buy when I enter a Verizon store is the opportunity to rip that bluetooth headset out of the asshole saleman’s ear in the most violent way I can think of.

PS: No, I don’t need a Rihanna ringtone, but thanks for asking.