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December 25th, 2007

I love flying. The actual flying, that is. Taking off, landing, crusing at 30K feet checking out the Rockies below. At some point, I’m serious about getting a pilot’s license (single engine planes, of course). However, it’s a pretty well-accepted fact that the most broken thing in society is the airline industry, so my story shouldn’t really be at all shocking to you. But airlines are always trying to improve the system so even the most broken airline can get even more broken…because airlines never say die…and they have again topped themselves and surpassed their own goals of being the suckiest thing around.

To understand my most recent adventure, and to get it’s full impact, you must first be told a tale from long ago…when men were men and women weren’t men…when jaded was just a glimmer in my eye… let me take you back to a simpler time, a more civilized age…

Insert time-travel sound effect here.

The year is 2000. I’m going out to sunny California to check out where my new job will take me. Starting location: Madison, WI. Destination: San Francisco, CA. Airline of choice: United.

The flight out was simple and uneventful. Easy. Almost too easy. Total travel time: about 5 hours.

Returning was another story. While in California, I was staying at my friend Karen’s place in Davis. At 7am she drove me to the train station where I took CalTrain to SFO. (Car: check. Train: check.) My flight plan is thus: SFO to Chicago to Madison. Upon arrive at the airport, I stand in the usual ultra-long lines only to find out that my flight has been canceled. Awesome. Reason: they don’t have a crew. This isn’t as nutty as it sounds – there was a pilot’s union strike at the time, so many things were a bit wonky, but still, they should have known the flight was canceled when I called to confirm only hours before. Whatever. Fuck those guys. Their solution: run (yes, “run”) to some other counter and see if I can get a flight to a different connecting city. (Running: check.) Ok, good, they have one that goes to Orange County and then on to Chicago where I can find my connector to Madison. Slightly annoying, but whatever.

I wait around for about 90 minutes to board my new flight. Then they make the announcement: my flight has been canceled. Reason: delays somewhere else and they don’t have a plane. Now I don’t have a degree in Airline Administration, but it seems to me that if you’ve got a plane with no crew and a crew with no plane that you could somehow manage to put these two things together and get off the ground. Apparently, that’s not the case. Their solution: run to some other counter and get a different flight. Awesome. I’ve actually run this course with the same people twice now. I love making new friends.

Eventually, they get me on a flight to LAX and then on to Chicago. (Plane: check.) Clearly, my Chicago connection was going to be changed, since I hadn’t even left California when it was to leave Chicago. At 11:15pm, yes pm, I finally arrive at O’Hare. I’ll just get some red-eye to Madison…it’s only about an hour away. I had always been under the impression that airports are open all night. With red-eyes and global commerce, it only makes sense. But what’s this? United closes their counters at 11pm. Their phone number goes straight to “call back during business hours.” OMFG. So I find a chair and curl up for the night.

VRRRRRROOOOOOOM! WTF? I get jolted out of bed as some jackass janitor decides to fire up his industrial strength vacuum at 4am…right next to the chair I’m sleeping in. I wish I could carry a firearm. What happened to the 2nd Amendment?! I guess I’ll go stand in line and wait for United to open their counter at 5am.

They set me up with a flight at 6. Good. Delayed until 6:30. Reason: bad weather.

6:30: delayed until 7:30. Reason: bad weather. I look out the window and see plenty of planes taking off. Whatever.

7:30: canceled. Nice. I go up to the desk and unload on the guy who can’t really help. I insist that he just give me a fucking bus ticket. The travel time from Chicago to Madison by car is about 2 hours. By bus it’s about 4. It’s still faster than flying, apparently. Four hours later I arrive in downtown Madison. (Bus: check.) Now I need to get back to my Mom’s house to get my car, but she’s at work and can’t pick me up. (Taxi: check.)

Next I have to drive to the Madison airport and pray that my luggage somehow arrived. I haven’t showered or changed clothes since Karen’s house, so I’m pretty ragged. Of course there is a line at the counter, but not in the first class line. Fuck these guys. I get in the first class line. That was actually the most fun I had during this journey.

By some miracle my bags were there and ready to be picked up. It’s more of a miracle for the person behind the counter because if things went the other way, blood will be spilled this day. Here’s the kicker: the bags arrive the night before. Somehow they managed to get my bags on a plane but couldn’t seem to get me on a plane. I had always been under the impression that the bags were always on the plane with you. Apparently, that’s not the case.

Total travel time: about 30 hours. Transportation methods: car, train, running, plane, bus, taxi. Missing: unicylce, gondola.

I hate United. Never flying with them again.

FLASH FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS 2007 (Time travel sound effect.)

I hate United. After having sworn to never fly with them again, I got bitch-slapped when I wasn’t looking.

Rachel and I are going to Wisconsin to visit my family for Christmas. A few months in advance, I get on Expedia and book two tickets on US Airways. San Jose to Denver to Madison. Easy.

We get to the airport at 5:30am for a 7:30 flight. It’s the holidays so it’s no surprise that the lines are insane. We find the giant US Airways sign and stand in the long line. About five minutes into the line-standing I look behind the counter and see that their departure list doesn’t include our flight number. Or destination city. Uh…huh? I confirmed the flight before we left the house, so maybe their sign is just wrong. Unlikely, but possible. But seeing as I’m a bit jaded, I think it’s probably best to get some further confirmation. I don’t want to bother the people at the counter because they are busy dealing with the heaps of people ahead of me in line, so I call the phone number listed on the US Airways departure sign. I repeat: I call the phone number listed on the US Airways departure sign.

I go through the usual phone tree nonsense (I have a brilliant idea to fix this, but that’s for a different time…is anybody out there a VC?) and they do indeed confirm that my flight is leaving San Jose at the right time and that the flight is on time. Ok. The sign is wrong. No problems. But we are still a bit uneasy. I made some joke about how it’s probably a different US Airways…maybe spelled “US Aireways” or something dumb like that.

We finally get up to the counter and try to check in using the kiosk. Here’s a hint to make airport lines faster: more kiosks. The kiosk tells me it can’t find my flight. Uh…huh?

• You all checked in?
• No. We tried the kiosk and it couldn’t find our flight.
• Where are you going?
• Denver.
• United.
• Eh?
• United goes to Denver. You need to be in that line over there. [points to super-long United line]
• I booked US Airways. My itinerary says US Airways. I paid US Airways. My flight is US Airways.
• There are two US Airways. One is operated by United and they go to Denver. That’s your flight.

Remember that joke I made about “US Aireways”? I WAS KIDDING! I guess I just don’t know the strength of my powers.

Can you see my problem here? Not only did we wait in line for a worthless 35 minutes (we had to start at the back of the United line too!) but we made an effort to NOT fly with United and then end up flying with United because apparently they are the “other” US Airways. United bitch-slapped me.

Sound off in the comments with any airline drama you’ve experienced…extra credit if the culprit is United.