There will be blog.

Quite the exciting day today. 7:30am I got up and called AT&T to confirm that somebody might show up to install my internet connection.

• Just confirming my appointment.
• What is the problem with your internet?
• Well…I don’t have a connection.
• I can transfer you to tech support…
• No, you don’t understand. I’ve never had a connection. Nobody has hooked up my connection. I don’t have a modem from AT&T. It’s like I ordered a pizza and it never arrived. I can’t really complain about the crappy toppings or crust until the thing shows up at my door.
• Ok. I see you do have an appointment for 11-2 today. Would you like to upgrade your service to 10mps for only $15 more each month?
• Um, no. Just having what I ordered (twice) should be fine.

11am the AT&T Guy called…lost on the roads near my house. I gave him directions and he showed up a few minutes later. Came inside, checked out the wiring box, went outside, told me he needed to hook something up down the street and he’d be back in 45 minutes.

An hour later his van pulled up. He wandered around outside my house for about 20 minutes, then drove off again.

An hour after that, he showed up again, tunneled under the house for a bit, then called his AT&T Friend to come help. AT&T Friend got lost, eventually found the place and parked his (second) van next to the first van, both at the red curb.

15 minutes go by and I see the tow truck outside threatening to tow AT&T Friend. So fucking awesome. Somehow they talk their way out of it. So fucking weak.

After knitting a sweater with the wires coming into my home, they decided that having two guys working on this might seem a bit gay, so they call AT&T Friend #2. This third guy also gets lost, but eventually shows up.

Hours go by.

AT&T Friend #2 tells me that everything is ready to go and all I need to do is register my account. The original guy will help me with that. He then leaves the house. I never saw AT&T Friend #1 leave, so either I just didn’t notice or he’s still somewhere in my home. Creepy.

AT&T Guy watches over my shoulder as I go through the registration process on their website. I fill out 4 pages of forms (name – which they spelled wrong, email – which they spelled wrong, favorite movie – security questions, etc. At the very last step the screen shows “Error 100. Please call 1-800-288-2020.” This, of course, is the main AT&T number…the one where they make you wait on hold and then hang up on you.

• What do I do now?
• You should probably call that number.
• That’s the main number. They make you wait on hold and then hang up on you. Don’t you have a direct line, since you work there and stuff?
• No.
• Awesome.

I tell him to call the number…he ends up on hold. Then he ends up being transfered to a different department, where he is placed on hold for a second time. This lasts about 30 minutes.

While AT&T Guy is on hold, I noticed that my modem settings are set for DSL. I thought U-Verse was fiber. It doesn’t really matter to me, but I’m curious, so I ask AT&T Guy.

• This is set to DSL. Is it really DSL? I thought it was fiber?
• [blank look]…It’s U-Verse.
• Um, yeah…but is it DSL or fiber delivery method?
• U-Verse is broadband.
• [stunned, but not really all that stunned]…Uh, “broadband” is usually availble via DSL, or cable, or fiber. I thought U-Verse was fiber.
• Oh. I don’t know. I just install it.

If I were to ever require heart transplant, I would like the individual installing my heart to know something about how the heart works. Do I really expect too much from these people?

Finally, 6 hours after first contact, my internet was up and running. Holy. Crap.

• Number of appointments: 3
• Number of hours on hold: 1.5
• Number of hours for phone installation: 2.5
• Number of hours for internet installation: 6
• Number AT&T employees it takes to install a phone and internet: 5
• Watching AT&T Friend #1 talk his way out of being towed: Priceless.

Because it refuses to end

Let me make something perfectly clear: I do not make anything up. These stories as you read them are as they actually happened. I don’t even exaggerate. Because I don’t have to. You might read these tales and think “gosh, he’s just overdoing it to prove a point.” You’d be wrong. It’s all true. So very true.

Tomorrow is my AT&T internet installation. Since they fucked it all up last week and the week before that I thought it was a good idea to call the day before and confirm my appointment.

After 10 minutes on hold:

• Thank you for calling AT&T. How can I help you?
• Yes, I’m just calling to confirm my appointment tomorrow.
• Ok. I can help you with that. First I’ll need your accou——

Dial tone. Awesome. I call back. I wait on hold for 10 minutes.

• Thank you for calling AT&T. How can I help you?
• Please don’t hang up on me. The last guy hung up on me after being on hold for 10 minutes. I’m just calling to confirm my appointment tomorrow.
• I apologize. I can help you.
• …checks my account…
• I need to check with someone. I won’t transfer you to anybody, but I have to put you on hold while I look something up.
• Ok.

10 minutes later:

• Thank you for calling AT&T. How can I help you? (this was a new voice)
• Are you kidding me? The first guy hung up on me, the second guy promised not to transfer me, and now I’m talking to you. All I need to do is make sure my appointment tomorrow didn’t get randomly cancelled.
• I apologize for your troubles. I will help confirm your appointment. We don’t “randomly cancel orders”.
• (laughs out loud)
• You are calling about internet installation?
• Yes.
• It says here that you already have internet with us.
• Really? Because nobody ever came to install it. In fact, the specifically did NOT come to install it.
• Let me get a technician on the line to help us out.

Amazing. They think I already have internet. They think that an AT&T technician came to my house, set up a modem, plugged something in for 4-6 hours, and I just don’t remember it happening. W. T. F. Eventually, the technician comes on the line. (It’s also worth noting that this is the first time in the past hour that the phone company employee was able to successfully use the HOLD function on their phone.)

• Sir, it says your order is complete and you already have internet set up.
• Interesting, because I don’t.
• I don’t know how this happened. Usually the order isn’t marked as “done” until they hook up the modem and it physically connects to our service. And even then sometimes it’s not “done”.
• That doesn’t surprise me. So what’s the deal? Have you been charging me for your people randomly canceling my order and then randomly turning on my service without telling me or giving me equipment?
• No, I don’t think so.
• Good. So what now? Is somebody going to come to my house tomorrow to give me equipment?
• You have an appointment, but it’s marked as “complete” so I don’t know if they will come or not. I’ll call dispatch and find out what I can. The hold time for dispatch is 30-40 minutes. I’ll call you back when I have an answer.
• Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? 30-40 minutes? I’ve already been on the phone with you people for an hour!
• The only thing I can do is talk to dispatch.

In a move that would shock anybody out of a coma, he actually DID call me back but he left a cryptic message on my machine:

• The technician will come out tomorrow as planned and will deliver the modem. He’ll need to call back to the office with the correct port numbers. It looks like they had the wrong ports hooked up which is why all this happend. Thank you for using AT&T.

That makes no sense to me. “Wrong ports”? How does that explain a) why they couldn’t install everything the same day b) why they randomly canceled my order or c) why they think I have internet set up when I clearly don’t. I think it’s possible they suck at their jobs.

First thing tomorrow I’ll be calling AT&T and confirming my confirmation of my rescheduling of my cancelation. Kill me now.