Touch typing is for pussies.

This is a post I saw on Flickr. I didn’t write it, but it seems to be the kind of conversation that would happen to me.

Motherboard problem? Awesome.

Pretend hats and brain damage are fun!

The best place to learn how to be a horrible parent is Costco. Or Walmart. The signs are the same: kids going up and down the isles with no awareness of their surroundings, running into things and generally pissing me off. Did I say kids? Oh, I meant their parents. The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. The only difference between Costco kids and Walmart kids is Costco kids wear shirts. Did I say kids? Oh, I meant their parents.

We were at Costco on Saturday and saw a cart full of kids. This is unusual in itself, because usually the kids are nowhere near the cart. But this cart had three kids riding in it while the mother pushed them all. Each kid was between 3 and 5 years old. How cute.

Oh, look at their little pretend hats. How cute.

Wait a second…uh…oh…my…god…

Those pretend hats are plastic bags.

Plastic. Bags.

This mother was letting all three of her kids put plastic bags over their heads and pretend to be wearing hats.

Plastic bags are good for almost anything. The only ONLY thing you are not NOT supposed to do with plastic bags is put them over your head OVER YOUR HEAD.

Oh my fucking god. This woman should have never started breeding, but now I’m pretty sure there is no jury that would convict me if I shrinkwrapped this mother and stuffed her on a palette in isle four.

No jury would convict me.

This brain is currently closed.

We went to Buy More (Best Buy) last night in search of rabbit ears for our TV. On the shelf we found two options, an amplified antenna and an non-amplified antenna. Hmm…I wonder what the difference is. I’ll ask someone!

• Can I help you with something?
• Yeah. I’m looking for an antenna for my TV. What is the difference between the amplified and non-amplified versions? And please don’t tell me “one plugs into the wall”.
• Well, the amplified one draws power from the wall and the non-amplified one doesn’t.

Holy crap. Did he just tell me exactly what I told him not to tell me? Clearly this buffoon doesn’t really know the difference except that one has a plug and one doesn’t. I was kinda hoping he might tell me why one is different from the other and why I might need one instead of the other. But, per usual the Buy More employee doesn’t even know the difference between a rain forest and a Pop Tart.* I don’t know why I even bother asking.

We get up to the register and there is a sign on the counter that says “This register is currently closed.” I grin at Rachel and say “I feel a blog coming on.”

I’m not sure this antenna will work with my TV (it didn’t) so I ask about the return policy. 30 days. Good.

He scans the box and charges my card. Then he tries to print out a receipt, but for some reason it doesn’t print. He messes with the paper feed for a bit but can’t figure it out. The lady on the next register starts laughing at him and comes over to help. “The paper goes in here, fool” Haha…she called him “fool”. Then she demonstrates how to manually feed the receipt paper into the register. It seems to work, but she put the paper in upside down and it printed out on the back with all the legal jargon…totally unreadable. Haha…she called him “fool”.

At this point, they call over a manger to fix the paper feed. She agrees that manual feed is the best option, so she feeds a piece of paper in. But not normal receipt paper. 8.5×11 paper. Then she hands me a store receipt on 8.5×11 paper. Yeah…if I need to return this, I’m sure this won’t raise any eyebrows.

• Can I get a normal looking copy of that?
• This one is fine.
• I don’t want any problems if I need to return it.
• Uh, ok.

Fortunately, I have a security video of the entire sequence so you can see for yourself:

They manage to put standard receipt paper in and print out a duplicate. These heroes should get a pay raise for going above and beyond the call of duty. The Buy More should be proud to have them in its ranks. God bless America.

* Pop Tarts are frosted.

In other news…

Last night I noticed that my HOA dues are lower in the budget that what I’m paying…by $7.

I emailed the Property Manager to ask why there is a discrepancy. She emailed me back with “I’m just the Property Manager. Please direct those types of questions to the Accountant.”

Ok. Fine. I email the question to the Accountant.

You can probably see where this is going…

The Accountant told me “I’m the accountant. Please direct those questions to the Property Manager.

uh…

Hint #1

Hint #1 that the person you are talking to doesn’t know jack shit about web design:

Email format?

I’m an asshole. Shocker.

So I went to Frys the other day. You already know how this story ends.

Part I: Audio cables

The first thing I needed was a cord that has an 1/8th in headphone jack on each side. I’m in an isle with lots of audio-type cords and I can’t find what I’m looking for. Oh goodie! A friendly knowledgeable Frys employee is nearby, I’ll just ask him for help!

• Excuse me, where can I find a cable with 1/8th inch headphone plugs on each end?
• [stares blankly at me]
• I’m looking for a cord. It’s like a headphone cord, but it has the little plug on both ends.
• Headphones?
• Like headphones, but it’s just a cord and it has an 1/8th jack on each side.
• [stares blankly at me] Isle 4.

Of course, it wasn’t in isle 4. It seemed like a simple enough assumption that they would know where audio cables might be. If I had asked for a refrigerator or a big TV or something else that a 4-year old can identify he would have pointed me in the right direction.

Moral of Part I: Frys employees are morons.

Part II: Rebates

Let me set the stage. Rachel’s father has a Windows XP computer and every year at Thanksgiving we bring him new virus protection software. Norton and McAfee both offer mail-in rebates and “competitive upgrades”. This means that if you send in proof that you owned a competitor’s product, you essentially get the new software for free. So we start with Norton, and then the next year McAfee and then back to Norton…free software, working the system.

Anyway, as we walked into Fry’s the first thing that greats us at the door is a jumbo display with Norton 2008 and a huge-ass sign that says “$69, $20 mail-in rebate, $50 upgrade rebate”. Excellent. Exactly what I’m looking for…except the sign says “upgrade rebate” and I’m looking for a “competitive rebate” which I’ve used in the past.

Now it’s possible that Frys just doesn’t have their facts straight on the display sign…no, really…it is actually possible! I know this is the case because a) I’m not an idiot and b) The sticker says $99 and the sign says $69. Those pesky 6s and 9s…I can never tell which side is up, except for when I play Uno.

My solution to an unclear sign: ask someone for clarification. Now before you start screaming at your screen, I’ve thought this through. I won’t ask the Frys guy standing near the display because he’s too busy drooling to answer my question, so I’ll be asking the guy at the register to show me the rebate form which should have all the requirements listed on it. All I need to know is whether or not the rebate is “competitive” or just an “upgrade” rebate. Easy as pie!

At the register:

• Can I see the rebate information on this product?
• [scans the box] It’s $69.
• [stares blankly at him] No, I’m looking for the rebate form for this box.
• There isn’t a rebate.
• There is a huge display at the front of the store that says there are two rebates…which makes the product essentially free, so can I just take it?
• I don’t know anything about that display. Maybe it’s for a different product?
• Um, well the sign clearly says “Norton 2008″ and this product is Norton 2008, so it’s the same product. Plus there are no other products on the display shelf.
• Let’s go take a look at this display.

So me and this mental giant go over to the display where I show him the words “Norton,” “rebate” and “free”. Next he decides to talk with his supervisor. Wow, it’s like I can’t keep up with him!

His super confirms that in fact there are two rebates, just like I said. Great! Now can I see the rebate information? Kinda. He prints out two rebate receipts (which have the word “invalid” stamped across the top) which have the amount of the rebate and the address to mail it to. But I’m looking for the manufacturer’s form…ya know, the one with all the information on it! That’s kinda the thing I asked for when I walked up to the counter. Fuck.

He goes off to the big cage in the back (no idea why they need to keep rebate forms in a big cage like it’s some kind of casino). The rebate is indeed a competitive rebate even though the display sign didn’t specify, so it’s all good.

We pay for the software and the register spits out the usual 4+ receipts. He gives us the rebate forms and the “invalid” receipts he printed out before we paid.

• Are these the right receipts for the rebate? They say “invalid”.
• Huh?
• These are the fake receipts you printed out before. Maybe they should be those other receipts over there. [points to the counter where there are multiple copies just sitting there]
• Oh, yeah.

Christ. It’s like Frys employee are the missing link. Why hasn’t there been more scientific study of them?

On our way out the door thugs try to get me to show them my receipt again, even though all this register drama took place 10 feet from the front door. As usual I just pass by without showing them anything but in hindsight I should have shown them the “invalid” receipts just for shits-n-giggles.

Rachel says I’m an asshole to these people and she’s probably right. I have no respect for people who have no idea what they are selling or know anything about their job. Even minimum wage jobs pay enough that the employee should know the basics of their company. This is my motto to have a successful life: Don’t be dumb.

Car salesmen are duh

Rachel I went out test-driving again last night. We are looking for a smallish SUVish vehicle. Something that’s good for future kids (that’s kids we’ll have in the future, not kids from the future traveling back in time to ride in our car). We’ve been out a few times already. I’m constantly stunned at the knowledge level of some of these salesmen.

First off, you’d think that they would always show you the top-of-the-line vehicle with all the bells and whistles, every feature enabled, and the best looking colors. Well, it seems that isn’t the case. In fact, we have to specify explicitly “we’d like to see a model that have the navigation system and leather seats.” This is usually followed by “I’ll see if we have any of those.”

We drove a Honda CRV a few weeks ago. Our question “Does this come with a backup-camera option?” His answer: “No, they are only after-market options.”

I had just been looking at another CRV down the row and saw that it did indeed come with a backup-camera. “But that car over there has a backup-camera installed.” His response: “Ok.” It seems strange that I know more about the vehicle options after wandering around the parking lot for five minutes than someone who’s job it is to know everything about the car and to sell it to me.

Last night was unreal. Around 8:30pm we went to check out a VW Passat. The guy, we’ll call him “Joe Pretty-Eyes Frat Boy”, took us to the back of the parking lot to find a model with the navigation system and leather seats. We followed him around for awhile until he found where one was parked, but it didn’t have the features we were asking about. “Wait here and I’ll go inside and see what we have available.” So Rachel and I just stood around in the back parking lot at 8:30pm in the dark waiting for JPEFB to return. He finally came back with “we only have these two, and neither have the nav system.” Fine, we’ll test-drive this one. “Ok, I’ll go get the keys.”

If I were JPEFB I would have brought keys for both cars and saved myself some walking and saved my customers some time, but I’m not a professional car salesman so what do I know?

Eventually, he came back with the keys and we took it out on the road. As usual when test-driving we have many questions. Here is a sample of how the 20-minute drive went:

• Does the car include an aux input jack for an iPod or mp3 player?
• I’m not sure. I’ll have to check on that.
• Is the nav system (since this specific car doesn’t have one) touch screen or does it use a joystick?
• I’m not sure. I’ll have to check on that.
• What’s the turning radius like?
• I’m not sure. I’ll have to check on that.
• Is there a backup-camera option?
• I’m not sure. I’ll have to check on that.
• Assuming great credit, what’s a ballpark figure for an interest rate?
• I’m not sure. I’ll have to check on that.

You get the idea. But wait, there’s more…

The driver’s display shows readout which says “Speed Warning —mph” Hmm, I wonder what that means.

• What does this “Speed Warning” display mean?
• That tells you how fast you are going.
• No, I mean *this* readout, not the speedometer.
• Oh, that tells you if you are going over the speed limit.
• Really? How does it know you are going over the speed limit?
• It has sensors to tell you how fast you are going.
• Well, that’s what the speedometer is for. So what is this other thing for?
• It has sensors.

At this point I actually have to change the subject because I’m about to bust up laughing. Oh…*sensors!* What an innovation by VW to put something that senses your speed and then warns you if you are going over the speed limit…all done with *sensors!*

When we got back to the dealership, we asked for a brochure, and just like many of the other places we’ve been, they can’t ever seem to find the brochures. Again, I’m no professional, but I would think that the sale would have a better chance of closing if I could answer ANY questions about the car, had a brochure with all that information available, and didn’t make up answers in the most unbelievable BS way possible. But I’m no professional.