My perfect vacation

Where is your perfect vacation spot? Do you like to relax, stare blankly at the sky, and have absolutely no responsibility? How does a beach in Mexico sound? Maybe you are more of a deck-of-a-cruise-ship kind of person? My perfect vacation is the Fry’s employee training facility, deep below the surface of the Earth. They clearly spend a lot of time doing nothing and filling their heads with empty. Just what the doctor ordered!

So I went to Fry’s today with three goals: 1) pick up a USB gaming headset and 2) pickup the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2 and 3) pay and exit.

Step 1: Gaming headset

I go to the computer area and ask the guy behind the desk “Where are the gaming headsets?” He ignores me for a few moments, then when I ask him again he asks his coworker, who in turn asks his coworker. The last guy was able to point me in the right direction.

When I get to the headset aisle I have to dig through the pile of headsets on the floor next to the shelf to find what I needed. Picture a typical Ross clothing department and you have the right visual.

Step 2: Cymbal expansion pack for Rock Band 2

I go over to the gaming area and find an employee who looks like he works in the gaming area.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• Rock Band 2?
• Yes. The cymbal expansion set.
• You want to buy just the drums?
• No. I already have the drums. I’m looking for the expansion set — there is a set of three cymbals which plug into the drums.
• So you need the game?
• [blank stare]
• Let me ask my supervisor.

So now we are with a supervisor.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• We have Rock Band 2.
• Yes. But I’m looking for the expansion set — a set of cymbals that attaches to the drums.
• Umm…
• It’s not the full game. It’s an accessory to the game.
• We have Rock Band 1. [points to a RB1 box]
• Ok.
• We have Rock Band 2. [points to a RB2 box]
• Yup.
• We have Rock Band 3. [points to a Guitar Hero World Tour box]
• ….Uh-huh. You have Rock Band 3 already?
• Yes. [point to Guitar Hero World Tour box again]
• Can we check on the computer to see if you have the accessory I’m looking for?
• Sure.

She looks it up on the computer and finds nothing. I guess they don’t have it. As a side note: does anybody think it’s at all ironic that Fry’s, an electronics and computer store, uses DOS as their main operating system?

Step 3: Pay and Exit

I hand her the checkout lady my credit card.

• Can I see some ID?
• Sure.

She processes the card, but the debit card thing isn’t working so she tells me she’ll run it as a credit card. Fine. Whatever.

• Can I see some ID?
• It’s the same ID I just showed you. It’s also the same card you just ran.
• I just need to see your ID.

Short term memory fail.

As a rule, I never let them search my bag on the way out, and my trick is to either avoid eye contact or pretend to talk on my cell phone as I pass them.* This time I decided to go the other way and established eye contact early and held it all the way out the door. It was strangely cathartic.

In the end, two out of three goals were accomplished. So I guess I’d call that a successful trip to Fry’s.

* I don’t really have a cell phone, so I talk into my wallet as if it were a cell phone. Seems to do the trick.

I’m an asshole. Shocker.

So I went to Frys the other day. You already know how this story ends.

Part I: Audio cables

The first thing I needed was a cord that has an 1/8th in headphone jack on each side. I’m in an isle with lots of audio-type cords and I can’t find what I’m looking for. Oh goodie! A friendly knowledgeable Frys employee is nearby, I’ll just ask him for help!

• Excuse me, where can I find a cable with 1/8th inch headphone plugs on each end?
• [stares blankly at me]
• I’m looking for a cord. It’s like a headphone cord, but it has the little plug on both ends.
• Headphones?
• Like headphones, but it’s just a cord and it has an 1/8th jack on each side.
• [stares blankly at me] Isle 4.

Of course, it wasn’t in isle 4. It seemed like a simple enough assumption that they would know where audio cables might be. If I had asked for a refrigerator or a big TV or something else that a 4-year old can identify he would have pointed me in the right direction.

Moral of Part I: Frys employees are morons.

Part II: Rebates

Let me set the stage. Rachel’s father has a Windows XP computer and every year at Thanksgiving we bring him new virus protection software. Norton and McAfee both offer mail-in rebates and “competitive upgrades”. This means that if you send in proof that you owned a competitor’s product, you essentially get the new software for free. So we start with Norton, and then the next year McAfee and then back to Norton…free software, working the system.

Anyway, as we walked into Fry’s the first thing that greats us at the door is a jumbo display with Norton 2008 and a huge-ass sign that says “$69, $20 mail-in rebate, $50 upgrade rebate”. Excellent. Exactly what I’m looking for…except the sign says “upgrade rebate” and I’m looking for a “competitive rebate” which I’ve used in the past.

Now it’s possible that Frys just doesn’t have their facts straight on the display sign…no, really…it is actually possible! I know this is the case because a) I’m not an idiot and b) The sticker says $99 and the sign says $69. Those pesky 6s and 9s…I can never tell which side is up, except for when I play Uno.

My solution to an unclear sign: ask someone for clarification. Now before you start screaming at your screen, I’ve thought this through. I won’t ask the Frys guy standing near the display because he’s too busy drooling to answer my question, so I’ll be asking the guy at the register to show me the rebate form which should have all the requirements listed on it. All I need to know is whether or not the rebate is “competitive” or just an “upgrade” rebate. Easy as pie!

At the register:

• Can I see the rebate information on this product?
• [scans the box] It’s $69.
• [stares blankly at him] No, I’m looking for the rebate form for this box.
• There isn’t a rebate.
• There is a huge display at the front of the store that says there are two rebates…which makes the product essentially free, so can I just take it?
• I don’t know anything about that display. Maybe it’s for a different product?
• Um, well the sign clearly says “Norton 2008″ and this product is Norton 2008, so it’s the same product. Plus there are no other products on the display shelf.
• Let’s go take a look at this display.

So me and this mental giant go over to the display where I show him the words “Norton,” “rebate” and “free”. Next he decides to talk with his supervisor. Wow, it’s like I can’t keep up with him!

His super confirms that in fact there are two rebates, just like I said. Great! Now can I see the rebate information? Kinda. He prints out two rebate receipts (which have the word “invalid” stamped across the top) which have the amount of the rebate and the address to mail it to. But I’m looking for the manufacturer’s form…ya know, the one with all the information on it! That’s kinda the thing I asked for when I walked up to the counter. Fuck.

He goes off to the big cage in the back (no idea why they need to keep rebate forms in a big cage like it’s some kind of casino). The rebate is indeed a competitive rebate even though the display sign didn’t specify, so it’s all good.

We pay for the software and the register spits out the usual 4+ receipts. He gives us the rebate forms and the “invalid” receipts he printed out before we paid.

• Are these the right receipts for the rebate? They say “invalid”.
• Huh?
• These are the fake receipts you printed out before. Maybe they should be those other receipts over there. [points to the counter where there are multiple copies just sitting there]
• Oh, yeah.

Christ. It’s like Frys employee are the missing link. Why hasn’t there been more scientific study of them?

On our way out the door thugs try to get me to show them my receipt again, even though all this register drama took place 10 feet from the front door. As usual I just pass by without showing them anything but in hindsight I should have shown them the “invalid” receipts just for shits-n-giggles.

Rachel says I’m an asshole to these people and she’s probably right. I have no respect for people who have no idea what they are selling or know anything about their job. Even minimum wage jobs pay enough that the employee should know the basics of their company. This is my motto to have a successful life: Don’t be dumb.