My perfect vacation

Where is your perfect vacation spot? Do you like to relax, stare blankly at the sky, and have absolutely no responsibility? How does a beach in Mexico sound? Maybe you are more of a deck-of-a-cruise-ship kind of person? My perfect vacation is the Fry’s employee training facility, deep below the surface of the Earth. They clearly spend a lot of time doing nothing and filling their heads with empty. Just what the doctor ordered!

So I went to Fry’s today with three goals: 1) pick up a USB gaming headset and 2) pickup the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2 and 3) pay and exit.

Step 1: Gaming headset

I go to the computer area and ask the guy behind the desk “Where are the gaming headsets?” He ignores me for a few moments, then when I ask him again he asks his coworker, who in turn asks his coworker. The last guy was able to point me in the right direction.

When I get to the headset aisle I have to dig through the pile of headsets on the floor next to the shelf to find what I needed. Picture a typical Ross clothing department and you have the right visual.

Step 2: Cymbal expansion pack for Rock Band 2

I go over to the gaming area and find an employee who looks like he works in the gaming area.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• Rock Band 2?
• Yes. The cymbal expansion set.
• You want to buy just the drums?
• No. I already have the drums. I’m looking for the expansion set — there is a set of three cymbals which plug into the drums.
• So you need the game?
• [blank stare]
• Let me ask my supervisor.

So now we are with a supervisor.

• Do you have the cymbal expansion set for Rock Band 2?
• We have Rock Band 2.
• Yes. But I’m looking for the expansion set — a set of cymbals that attaches to the drums.
• Umm…
• It’s not the full game. It’s an accessory to the game.
• We have Rock Band 1. [points to a RB1 box]
• Ok.
• We have Rock Band 2. [points to a RB2 box]
• Yup.
• We have Rock Band 3. [points to a Guitar Hero World Tour box]
• ….Uh-huh. You have Rock Band 3 already?
• Yes. [point to Guitar Hero World Tour box again]
• Can we check on the computer to see if you have the accessory I’m looking for?
• Sure.

She looks it up on the computer and finds nothing. I guess they don’t have it. As a side note: does anybody think it’s at all ironic that Fry’s, an electronics and computer store, uses DOS as their main operating system?

Step 3: Pay and Exit

I hand her the checkout lady my credit card.

• Can I see some ID?
• Sure.

She processes the card, but the debit card thing isn’t working so she tells me she’ll run it as a credit card. Fine. Whatever.

• Can I see some ID?
• It’s the same ID I just showed you. It’s also the same card you just ran.
• I just need to see your ID.

Short term memory fail.

As a rule, I never let them search my bag on the way out, and my trick is to either avoid eye contact or pretend to talk on my cell phone as I pass them.* This time I decided to go the other way and established eye contact early and held it all the way out the door. It was strangely cathartic.

In the end, two out of three goals were accomplished. So I guess I’d call that a successful trip to Fry’s.

* I don’t really have a cell phone, so I talk into my wallet as if it were a cell phone. Seems to do the trick.

A different definition of “less”

I was at the Verizon store over the weekend getting Rachel a new phone. The sales guy was suggesting a change in phone plans:

• Are you also a Verizon customer?
• No.
• Well you could sign up for a family plan with your wife and pay less each month.
• How does that work?
• You get your own phone and phone number and it’s only an additional $10 each month.

I no math whiz, but I’m pretty sure that paying an additional $10 each month is not “less”. But what do I know.

It’s hard for me to even explain the extreme loathing I have for cell phone sales people. They work on commission so they will force more and more minutes and text message plans down your throat. How has the public not revolted over $20/month for unlimited text messages? Email is free. IM is free. How can they possibly believe that there is a monetary value to a text message, which is < 1k of data? Oh yeah, because people keep paying for it...that's why.

Really the only thing I want to buy when I enter a Verizon store is the opportunity to rip that bluetooth headset out of the asshole saleman’s ear in the most violent way I can think of.

PS: No, I don’t need a Rihanna ringtone, but thanks for asking.

Network Drama – Episode VI

Let the Wookie win.

As loyal readers are aware, I have been bitching at the developer of my new home for quite sometime concerning a “we don’t give a crap about what you paid for” incident. If you need to catch up:

• Network Drama
• Network Drama – Episode II
• Network Drama – Episode III
• Network Drama – Episode IV
• Network Drama – Episode V

Yesterday morning a repair guy came out to my house to perform the repairs. It took about an hour, minimal drama (he kept plugging in the wrong wires, but I was diligent about testing each time he told me “it’s fixed now”).

I sent the developer an email:

His response:

Ah, the sweet sweet nectar of passive-aggressiveness. This entire experience proves once again that the squeaky wheel gets what it wants…eventually.

Network Drama: Episode V

Five days had past since I sent the last email to this douche complaining that it’s been a week and still no response. First course of action: a friendly ping just to remind him that I’m still here:

A day later and no response. Next course of action: ultimatum.

So basically, it comes down to “respond to my email or I’ll sue your ass.” In the past he has not responded unless I say “lawyer” or threaten legal action. We’ll see if barking at him this time will make any difference.

UPDATE About an hour after I sent that last note, this arrives in my inbox:

Well lookie there. Apparently he has been away on some fantastic journey for the past few weeks and was unable to return my email. Fortunately, he returned to the office in the hour between when I threatened small claims court and when he replied. Wow, that sure was lucky!

The best line in his response: “you need a patch panel with at least 6 network ports.”

So it looks like this will get taken care of after all. I’m not going to believe anything until it’s finally done, but at least it’s a step. Fuck.

Math is hard.

We bought someone a bracelet at Macy’s for Christmas. The price tag said $50 but it was on sale for 50% off (like everything at Macy’s always is). We also had a coupon for $15 off if we spent over $50. (We also bought some other thing to make the coupon valid. Actually, the only reason we went to Macy’s at all was because we had that silly coupon.)

When we got home and tried to wrap the bracelet…oops…we actually bought her an anklet!* That’s annoying, but not the end of the world, we’ll just go back and exchange it.

We found a similar style bracelet (really, this time) priced at only $45…that’s five dollars cheaper. (same sale applies) Great!

He’s ringing up the exchange…

• Ok, your total is $9.50.
• Huh? How can that be? The item we are swapping for costs less.
• Well you used a coupon on the original purchase and that coupon can’t be used again.
• But we aren’t trying to use the coupon again. We are just exchanging what we bought by mistake.
• Right. But the coupon can only be used in one transaction.
• So you are telling me that because we used a coupon, we now have to pay $9.50 more for something that costs $5 less?
• Yes.
• And that doesn’t seem retarded to you?**
• Yes, but that’s store policy. Would you like me to get a manager?
• Uh, yeah. Thanks.

We didn’t actually see a manager, but the sales guy talked on the phone with him/her. He/she gave him what appeared to be fairly simple instructions on how to do an exchange when a coupon is involved. I guess training doesn’t cover everything.

The end result was that we actually had some money refunded, which is what you’d expect…so they did the right thing, but it’s still silly that this situation ever came up. When something as obvious as “you shouldn’t pay more for something that costs less” slips past your radar, maybe you should look for a job far far away from people. Or at least from me.

* The dingbat saleswoman who sold us the “bracelet” watched Rachel try it on…and Rachel even commented how big it felt…but the dingbat said nothing. Awesome.

** It seems I use this phrase a lot when dealing with customer service reps or salesmen. Maybe I just have a skewed version of reality that I expect from them.

Network Drama: Episode IV

Sometime Episode IV is called “A New Hope”. Not this time.

Two days after my last email which basically said “respond, punkass” I got this in my inbox:

He doesn’t understand. Apparently, the last month of communication amounted to a big fat “huh?” on the part of the developer. Since I’ve already explained to him in detail what the problem was, I figured I would copy/paste it again, and bold a few words here and there to make a point. I also included email conversations with the saleswoman who sold me the extra network box which she shouldn’t have.

It’s also crystal clear that Jorja might be missing a few facts. His response to my coping and pasting the first message I sent was priceless:

Read that a few times to yourself. Do it. Do it now. He has no idea what this thing is. He is the developer of the house. The guy that set the whole thing up. He should know it better than anyone. But, alas, he doesn’t. But I’m here to help! I respond:

Can I possibly make it any clearer? I’ve drawn diagrams! DIAGRAMS! Sheesh.

It’s now a week later and, guess what, no response.

I really hope I don’t have to take this schmuck to court…it’s such a huge pain. And it’s only $450 from someone who made millions building this community. Just pay already.

PS: I’ve said it a zillion times…the way to not make me royally pissed at you is to respond to a phone call or an email. Just respond. A simple “I’m working on it” is sufficient. It really is that simple. Fuck, I hate people.

To Adobe: I’ll have a six-inch on wheat, to-go.

My CS3 Windows discs arrived today. For some strange reason, even though I paid with my personal credit card and gave them all my own information, it was still addressed to my coworker. WTF.

As instructed, my next step is to call Adobe and give them the serial number on the back, and then they will ship me discs for the Mac version. Of course, the person on the other end of the phone at Adobe (which is headquartered five minutes from my San Jose house) is somewhere in India. Oh, this will be fun.

I explain that I have an upgrade for Windows and I’d like to cross-grade over to Mac. She asks for the Windows serial number and I gave it to her.

• You are upgrading to Macintosh?
• Yes.
• And you currently have the Windows version?
• Yes.
• And you wish to upgrade to Macintosh?
• …uh…yes.
• Have you received the Windows version?
• …uh…yeah. [remember, I read the serial number to her]
• I’ll need to place you on hold for a few minutes.

Their hold music sounds like the soundtrack to a David Copperfield magic show. If you ever want a fun laugh, just call Adobe and ask to be placed on hold. Come to think of it, that would probably yield hilarious results with any company…”Hi, please put me on hold.”

• Thank you for holding. Just to confirm, you wish to upgrade to Macintosh?
• Yes.
• And you currently have the Windows version?
• Yes.
• Ok. You’ll need to complete a letter of destruction and fax it back to us.
• …huh?
• A letter of destruction.
• What is that?
• It will allow us to send you the Macintosh version. You can find a copy at adobe.com. Just search for “lod”

Check out what a search for “lod” returns: search results. Nice. Straight to the point. WTF.

• So I just fax this in and then you’ll send me the Mac discs?
• Yes. Just fax it in to the number on the bottom. You have forty-eight hours.

“You have forty-eight hours.” I’m pretty sure she just threatened me the way supervillian threaten the US government.

This is very typical of every order I’ve ever placed at Subway.

• I’ll have a six-inch meatball on white…to-go.
• Ok. White or wheat?
• White.
• Footlong?
• Six-inch.
• For here or to-go?
• To-go.
• And what kind of sandwich can I get for you?

Ugh. Now we know that Adobe goes to the same job fairs that Subway goes to. I’ll have a CS3 on wheat, with extra pickles…and please put it in ten plastic bags because the environment is just a bit too happy today.